Forgiving and or Forgetting?

Forgiving or forgetting can fit into many categories of my life.

 

 

These things range from bullying in middle school, or when someone said something very mean to me, or when I got into physical altercations?

 

 

Or what about being lied to?

 

Or even being talked about behind my back.

 

All those things I can relate to.

 

What I find more interesting is I have a fair share of being on the receiving end of these things, but also the one who initiated or the instigated.

I can say I am embarrassed on both ends. Let me tell you why.

I have always knew right from wrong when it came to actions or what I would say.

 

However, being the youngest in my family made me feel pressured to be “bold” or to stand out because everyone looks at me to be the “baby”.

 

 

Not that I found that to be a bad thing, but I also internalized it and may have projected it onto my outer peers (friends at school, or people outside of my family).

 

I didn’t know much things when it came to communication styles.

 

 

Specifically being in middle school, and moving into a different town.

 

 

Even figuring out that not everyone is accepting or acknowledgeable on the way other people communicate.

 

 

I found myself in predicaments where others may have took offense to things I would do or say without me actually having the intention of doing it.

 

It didn’t matter what I said or how I said it, to them it was mainly disrespectful and was frowned upon.

 

With dealing with constant issues I became very careful in what and how I said things…some things weren’t by accident and I may have did it to provoke one.

 

 

 

I’m not proud of it of course.

 

 

I find it sometimes difficult to forgive myself for things I willingly done.

 

Not because I really wanted to hurt the person, or group of people, but internally I didn’t care in the moments of me doing it.

 

 

It’s like impulsivity.

 

 

I find myself constantly thinking about the past and cringing about my decisions and the things I had said in my very young to teen years.

 

 

Why do I feel horrible when I think about it?

 

Is it guilt?

 

Why can’t I move on?

 

What can I do to make things right?

 

These questions and my thoughts often put me in a position of feeling excessive guilt and taking all the blame for issues in my life.

 

 

I sometimes find it to be embarrassing… and maybe even sad.

 

 

I guess because when I look back at things where I may or may not have been completely in the moment.

 

I still was the person who shifted the energy or chose to take a step backwards, by saying something impulsively or doing something without thinking.

 

 

This can range from the smallest things.

 

However, I have also had my fair share or always forgiving others.

 

 

Not that this was always the case, but anytime there may have been confusion or an issue between me and someone I cared about/loved.

 

 

I was always in the process of forgiving them.

 

 

It wouldn’t have mattered what it was I was just always prepared to forgive them.

 

 

This doesn’t mean we go back to being close buddies, or back to being comfortable. But I never held a grudge.

 

 

I felt like this action of mine was a way for me to express myself and also give out to people on how I would want things to be handled if it was me.

 

 

 

This is because of the things I have done and the mistakes ahead.

 

 

However, even in the midst of forgiving people I always found myself feeling a bit overwhelmed and frustrated. Either they would do it again, or I may feel like I made a mistake by forgiving them.

 

 

 

This ties into my emotional state of being embarrassed because in this world of mass media and being young while also dealing with disingenuous people in the dating or friendship scene.

 

 

When you are openly forgiven, or if you are the one who seeks forgiveness when you do something wrong.

 

 

Society may judge you for it.

 

 

Even if you feel it in your heart to vulnerable.

 

 

It’s like a huge cloud of judgement coming your way.

 

These are just my thoughts on the process of forgiveness and even maybe letting go of things you may have done in the past.

 

 

I am not in that process yet on letting go, but I am in the process of trying to understand why I did it in the first place.

 

 

What I meant by doing or saying it, and giving myself grace for those things because no one (including me) is perfect.

 

If you have felt or experience the same things, I hope what I wrote let you know you aren’t alone.

 

 

I believe it’s okay to forgive yourself and forgive others too.

 

 

If you feel it’s necessary FOR YOU then why not.

 

 

People are going to talk, they may have a lot to say.

 

However, in some cases I realized people don’t try to understand others, they only understand what they know and what they feel is right.

 

Therefore, their opinion is their own, and you should choose your feelings and your word when making certain decisions.

 

XOXO,

Sangai