I first discovered the idea of aphantasia in my sophomore year of college. There wasn’t a specific conversation that I recall having or a jaw dropping moment of understanding, but more a gradual realization that it sort of applied to me.
After learning a lot more about the subject, I realized that visualization is a full spectrum. On one end, those with aphantasia cannot visualize at all and on the other, those with hyperphantasia have very vivid mental images. But most people fall in the middle with a generally decent ability to picture images in their head. I, however, fall in the aphantasia range with some ability to visualize.
When my eyes are open, most of the images that I can imagine in my head are wonky, as if it’s really bad AI art. Everything is distorted, less vibrant in color, and not very detailed. When I’m faced with needing to remember details, like trying to recall a formula while taking a math test, I try to logically put myself back into where I may have seen it last to help remember what it is. It’s not so much that I’m visualizing the formula, but maybe more like mental muscle memory.
On the other hand, I don’t often have the ability to conjure images in my head when my eyes are closed. For example, I have a really hard time with meditations that guide the listener through visualization techniques. By the time I can get a semi decent visual idea in my head, I miss parts of the story, get a bit frustrated and lose the serene relaxation that the meditation was supposed to give.
Although I cannot lucid dream or control any portion of my dreams, I do sometimes dream visually. I can still very slightly picture a few “scenes” from reoccurring dreams I had growing up, like wandering through a creepier version of my favorite Halloween store.
In fact, my very first memory ever was when I was 4 years old and I had a very vivid nightmare. I’m curious if there may have been a subconscious psychological visualization block that occurred because of that memory. I can only hope with further research and development of factual aphantasia information, I could someday have a clearer answer to my strange visualization patterns.
I suppose I should also use this space to explain some of the difficulties I’ve faced as someone with aphantasia. I’d also like to disclaim that not all of these issues necessarily directly correlate with having aphantasia, just some personal hypothesis given what I’ve learned regarding the subject.
Let’s go back to math class for a second. Remember those word problems that everyone hated because it’s just a cluttered mess of jargon that you have to plug into a formula? I’ve always had the worst time with them because I can’t mentally “translate” what the words in the paragraph mean in relation to math symbols and formulas. It’s not that I can’t solve it once I get to the actual equation it’s asking for, it’s just that it takes me way extra long to get to that step.
Another huge issue for me is my memory. I’ve had moments where I thought a conversation occurred days ago, when in reality it was that morning. I instantly forget anything from major details of movie scenes to important deadlines or plans I just made.
Like I said, it’s not absolutely definite that those issues are directly caused by having aphantasia because it’s not entirely known whether memory is connected, but it seems fitting in many specific scenarios within my day-to-day life.